if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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