I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
