The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
