I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize