I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
