Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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