just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Randomize
