omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
