ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
