If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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