i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
