i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize