he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
My ass is underappreciated
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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