Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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