So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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