Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
