I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
