i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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