I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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