she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
