This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
