I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
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