Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
