Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
