Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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