those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
