Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Randomize
