1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
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