Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
