i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
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