why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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