you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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