u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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