why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Randomize
