Three words: puerto rican gang bang
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
