youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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