i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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