I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
