Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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