Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Randomize
