I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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