How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Randomize
