Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
