I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
