Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
