So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
