allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Randomize
