woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
