someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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