my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
