At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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