she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Randomize
