the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
