i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
