if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
