Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
