Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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