dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize