you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
