Old men and throwing up are my life now.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
