he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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